was watching the warlords when a message came. from ma, and it said, "just to see how you are. good nite"

 

and i just felt so terribly homesick at that moment, and guilty for not calling home as i always do. it's as if i've been so eager to embrace independence and time for myself that family has been pushed to the sidelines. cursory chats, functional smses, xu1 han2 wen4 nuan3. suddenly i missed the long dinners and conversations that have played such a pivotal role in my life thus far, the hurried but eventful mornings when moon and i will bake, the times i would stand by my dad or mum's hot wok to swirl garlic. hmmmm it sounds silly to feel homesick, but maybe it's that feeling you have when at the cusp of going forward, to forge your path, you look back and around you, and feel that even though everyone's supportive, and the change will be a happy one, you just know that dynamics won't ever be the same. you've gone from being that carefree and lalala teenager to the one who gives allowance, pays bills and says ' sorry won't be back for dinner (again)'.

 

not upset, and this doesnt diminish any optimism and happiness that i have for the present and future...i just hope that i don't neglect the people i claim to love most. maybe it's all part of growing up. :)

 

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you know, it's such a wonderful feeling to be able to love someone deeply and truly, and have no 'buts' or 'what ifs' swirling around your heart. he's just the one, the one you love, and there are no two ways around it.  :)

 

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after all that apparent disbelief at how er hu's wife could or would go to such lengths to run away just to catch a glimpse of pang, i actually understand. for when your heart's taken, you'll really stop at no end for the other person. there's that extra mile you'll willingly go for, be it for a glance, a glimpse or an embrace. While i don't agree with her falling for another man, and especially not when her husband is such a good man, it's not difficult to understand the pain and anguish she's in. because she's in love with one but married to another.

 

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the night is a good time for introspection and philosophising. heheh