stumbled upon posts written a while back.


22nd MArch 2006

i've realised what it is. it is that i can't live with myself having this capitalist materialistic mentality and thinking about nothing but my own (which includes people in direct association with me like my immediate family) comfort, wealth and material satisfaction and thinking that it's right. sure, it's great and dandy to be rich, afford lots of luxurious travel, never have to flinch when it comes to buying something or treating my parents to a supremely comfortable retirement life or not worrying if hermann wants to jetski round the world and then head off to stanford for uni. and i know that it's such an easy and comfortable road that once i get on it, i'll love it so much and the costs of even veering off that road will be self imposedly high. arggh but i think i can't live with myself for that. it's a hollowing out of the soul.

but isnt that selfish as well? at the core of it...it's a hollowing out of my soul. so there, im primarily concerned with MYself. self interests. I don't think i'll ever be rich, for making money is something that im poor at, although making a decent living writing or teaching is possible. So giving large sums of money to charities or setting up endowment funds are out of my league. But i dont want to be rich in a soley material sense (sure i dont want to be poor) and be poor in others. why is that mutually exclusive? does it have to be? not necessarily. the truth is that i can't be an excellent corporate executive or hotshot banker or a shrewd businesswoman because money can't turn me on. Money on its own is meaningless, it is the derived demand from money that we're after. money buys comfort, it buys material security, it buys prestige, it buys status, it buys and it drives. but money cant buy my soul. my soul feeds on love, it feeds on passion, it feeds on spirit.

I want to be rich, rich in spirit, rich in heart, rich and generous in my love for people and passion for the world.